Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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