This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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