I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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