Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
