Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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