3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
