Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Send help, water and tortillas.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
