i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
