I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
