Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
