ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
