i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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