Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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