Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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