I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
