there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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