He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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