just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
