I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
What drink are we having for lunch?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
