dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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