ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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