I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
