Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
