I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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