how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
