a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
