I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You can't motorboat a personality
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
as a side note pls kill me
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
