I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
