if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
In America we eat man semen.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize