i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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