Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
