Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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