Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize