im about as happy as oj after his trial
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
