I think im going to throw up on grandma
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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