My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
