New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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