Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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