my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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