That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
