be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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