the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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