i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
So squirting runs in the family.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
