The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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