Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
