So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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