Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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