I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Even my vagina gasped.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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