Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
either way he was missing a nipple.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Randomize
