I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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