I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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