I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
