so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
