Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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