her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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