I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
