So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
The best revenge is premature balding
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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