The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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