Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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