I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
