Swine flu. Run for my life!
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
