I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
